You are small (and probably gay) if you...

- If you don't honk your horn and hang your head out of the car window at every piece of skirt you see.
- If you really try and convince your gf to do anal. A real man would just force themselves upon her.
- If you remember other guy's names when you're introduced.
- If you make conversation at the urinal.
- If you discuss your feelings in anything other than a suicide note.
- If a male flight attendent offers to serve you anything on a plane and you don't asked to be served by a chick.
- If you don't crack-a-fat a hot girl's funeral.
- If you didn't grab at a female crowd surfer's tits as they went over your head in the '99 big day out mosh pit (there's no going back on that one, homos).
- If you have ever cried for any reason since growing hair on your balls.
- If you've never asked your mum for seconds after a massive meal so that you could look down her top.
- If you have ever let a girl take a break from blowing you in the car to change the radio station.
- If you pay for a girl's taxi the next morning.
- If you let the same girl have a shower before you told her to fuck off.
- If you let the same girl sleep over after you've nutted.
- If you don't offer to clean up your female cousin's nappy after they've filled it.
- If you 'poke' guys on facebook.
- If you have never picked up fat chick, lay on you back, made her give you head, when you're near the vinegar stroke produce a cupcake you had stashed under your bed, put it in front of her and watched her push herself deeper on your cock in an attempt to reach the cupcake while she chocked herself to death.
- If you have never done what i mentioned in the last point and weren't turned on by the thought of it.
- If you have jerked off a guy while he is in another man's arse.
- If microphone feedback at a gig can ruin your libido for a couple of days.
- if you are not man enough to ask your missus for a blow job just after she got news that her mum died.
- if you've ever cum early and apologised for it.
- if a guy has ever hurt your feelings.
- if you don't think about tits when you're pulling your poker face.
- if you want to know what love is (and you want her to show you).
- if a girl or your girlfriend is your best friend. note: if you say it to get a root then it's cool.
- if someone tries to kill you and you're about to die and you call your mum or gf to tell them how much you love them instead of calling your mate/s so they can find the cunt that tried to kill you. note: you don't want to live a straight life then die gay.
- if you watch a movie with your missus and get through the whole movie without a bj.
- if you don't scan the room for big tits during a minute silence.
- if you do something she wants to do.
- if you get stage fright at the urinal. note: those guys don't step to the urinal because they're scared they might see a cock and get a boner. notice how they always look at the floor, look up or stare at the one object while waiting for a cubical? they have trained themselves to not look around at waist height just incase they get a glimpse of a cock. they can't even look at the sink to wash their hands for fear that some guy may have left his fly open.

Here are a few that a friend came up with:
- Are all up in a guys arse.
- If you stop to smell a rose bush when walking.
- If you look a guy in the eyes for more than 1.234 seconds.
- When reaching for the bill at a restaurant you accidently brush hands with the male waiter.
- If you don't jerk off to midget black porn at least 3 times a fortnight.
- When you're on the bus you don't stick a mirror on your shoe to maximise the possibilty of an 'upskirt.'
- If you think upskirting is an invasion of a womans privacy.
- If you would have to think twice about upskirting.
- When you comment on how nice a girl looks without following it up with "can i cum on your fanny?"
- If you think punching women in the face is abuse.
- If you would rather go on a nice walk on the beach instead of finger banging a fat ugly bitch in a dumpster.
- If you have never flopped your dick out on the train to impress the asian chick with the hello kitty backpack.
- If you would go swimming in a pool of period.
- If you have never asked your granny to show you her thong collection because you are on a drought and need to smell some vag.
- If you have ever been on a 'break' with a girl and not fucked her best friend.
- If you think it's ok for a girl to talk to you about anything besides how much she wants to go down on you.
- IF YOU WOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH A HOMELESS WOMAN YOU MUST BE A FUCKING GAY ARSE FAGGOT.
- If you think fat bitches don't deserve to be taught a lesson

tonight i watched a emotional movie...

it did not move me, you'd have to be pretty fucking strong or a industrial sized crane to do that.

my large frame aside, i spent the whole time watching the movie thinking about how awesome my two cannons felt after last night's new workout regime. occasionally i'd look down to grab my protein shake knavishly concealed in a coke cup from the cinema - i don't want to look like a weirdo or anything - each time flexing hard as i brought the drink to my mouth.

even if i lifted my arm in just the slightest manner it would block out the whole movie screen. i was sitting in the front row because the small attendant said i was a fire hazard. yeah, these two cannons are burning. yeah. recognise.

NO DOUBT everyone in the near vicinity of me was thinking how delicious my two bulging cannons look. take home the memories of the best movie you'll ever see or my photos are being sold in the lobby... at the eye-candy bar. fuck i'm good.

p.s. did i mention that i took up three seats? now you know.

Why I hate small guys part 82

...

sometimes it can suck to be a big guy.

big arms. big pay cheques.

pretty self-explanatory ey, brew.

My dream girl

Given how many girls I have sex with, I'm not normally one to wank. However I am prepared to make an exception. I might ask her to work out with me.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMhp6G19Qvg

i'll be back.

well, i am back. as for the arnie reference - he is an overrated little man. don't know why i'd be lowering myself to that shit.

the excuse for not posting: my fingers have gotten so big that i'm finding it difficult to use a standard sized keyboard. even typing this message is really fucking tedious. i've* had to type this message with a stick in between getting massages from 18 y.o virgins who have been saving themselves for me since i was born - treat 'em mean keep 'em keen for 23 years yo! so really, i* type a few characters, get a massage, type a little more, watch jessica alba work it on our web cam link, type a little more, send jessica alba video to all my homies, type, massage and so on.

i'll post again when the new keyboard comes.



*18 y.o bitches are actually typed this message for me. sorry, i lied. what are you going to do about it anyway? i take the apology back. not that i have to. i could beat you up because i am bigger than you.